"Counting Every Blessing"

In case anyone thinks that I have a ridiculous and perhaps supernatural gift of optimism, I'll share some of the other titles for this blog post I workshopped in my head:

I'm not ok, but it's alright
The cup isn't half full/empty, someone's knocked it over and stomped on it
Hanging by a thread
Deployments stink
I might be losing my mind

Full disclosure: I've been working on this blog post for weeks.  There are some days when I feel like I'm totally crushing this deployment thing and other days I feel like I'm a failure in even the simplest areas of life.  The other day (while S was SOOOOO sick) E woke up from nap crying for his Daddy.  It was such an awful day that I almost felt like crying for Will with him instead of comforting him.  I'm so glad those days don't last forever!  The next day was better, and it was filled with so many blessings.

I opted to forgo the more negative and titles for something more hopeful because no matter how awful I feel, I do have hope, and I know that I have considerable blessings.  The problem is that I am given to melancholy.  When I should be focusing on being the best possible version of myself during a time of trial, I spend a lot of my time comparing myself to other military spouses who seem to be a million times better at deployments than I am.  These are the lies I tell myself, and the lies I let myself believe.  They don't serve me well.

I've recently connected with another military spouse whose husband is deployed.  Community (even two people) can offer understanding, empathy, and support in such a special way.  I try to be open about my struggles.  Being open and honest has rarely hurt me. Instead, being open has brought me comfort and the reassurance that I'm not alone in my struggles.  Bottling things up and pretending that I'm fine, when I'm anything but, has definitely done far more damage.  

My husband is one of the smartest people I've ever met.  Will is capable and though he feels things deeply (like anyone), he is not one to wallow.  He helps me to put one foot in front of the other and he    shares my burden when simple things feel like "impossible tasks."  I talked about that a bit in my last "About Me" post.  Needless to say, life is infinitely better when I am with him, but sometimes I rely too heavily on him.  I love being with him so much.  It's easy to hide behind our home-life and give into my social anxiety.  It cripples me sometimes, and he's my safe place.  He gets me (most of the time).

This Thanksgiving, I've found myself surrounded by an incredible amount of blessings.  I'm finding joy even in the hard parts of this deployment.  I got to see and talk to Will via my phone/the internet, and I was surrounded by a loving and appreciative family.  I'm working hard on counting every blessing even when it feels like life is more of a struggle.  Once upon a time, people weren't able to "see" their deployed spouses, or talk to them on the phone almost daily.  Our ability to connect so frequently is pretty amazing.

About me

1. I’ll start with my easiest identifiers: I'm a Christian, wife, and mother of 4 children (and 2 children I never got to hold in my arms).
2. I'm deeply flawed.  In spite of this, I am deeply loved by my friends and family.  The by-product of this is being deeply blessed. This is a gift I try to repay by loving in every way I'm capable.
3. I have an amazing husband who sees me for who I am and loves me.  He doesn't always understand me (nor I him), but he is patient and kind while I process things (sometimes slowly) emotionally and mentally.  He is the smartest, funniest, and most capable person I know.  We've been together for almost 15 years, and he's still my favorite person to be around.  I don't think many people would have seen our relationship coming freshman year of college (we were/are SO very different in many ways), but I'm grateful for the way we were brought together.
4. I'm a mother to four of the smartest and quirkiest kids I know.  They are also some of the most stubborn and frustrating kids I've ever met, but I'm so grateful that they're mine.  Full disclosure: sometimes I have to repeat that last bit to myself because motherhood is hard.  It's the most thankless job I've ever had, and I'm in the trenches of it now.  I lose my patience and yell more often than I'm proud to admit, but I try to be quick to apologize.  I try to be a good example to them of love, humility, and grace.  Every once in a while I'm successful and sometime I am not.  Thank God for grace.
5. I pray that my kids love me and look up to me the way I love and look up to my Mom.  I'm sorry for any minor (or major) inconvenience I have ever caused her.  She's a blessing to everyone around her.  She's the best example, currently walking the earth, of who I want to be.
6. I'm (like everyone else) incredibly insecure.  I fight guilt and a deep feeling of being "less than" those around me constantly.  I spend too much time comparing myself to others.  I know that "comparison is the thief of joy" but I think measuring ourselves next to others is a (super lame) part of human nature.
7. I'm an INFP: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive.  I used to say I/E, but I feel confident and comfortable enough in my introvertedness now to drop the /E.  The sum of these traits basically means that I am a deep feeler.  I'm an empath for better or worse.
8. In Enneagram terms, I'm a 2 (Helper) wing 3 (Achiever).  After 2, my closest is 7 (Enthusiast).  There's a lot to unpack here, but I'll save that for another blog.  In case you can't tell, I really love psychology and the study of personalities.
9. I am a lover of all things creative.  This often presents itself in my make-up, clothing, painting, writing, decorating, baking, cooking, and everything else.  One of my favorite things to do is go to a place in Omaha called The Makery and create things.  It's peaceful and I'm not making a mess in my own home.
10. I like to think of myself as an open book.  I don't share everything on here, because so much of my story doesn't belong to just me.  If we're talking in person, I will gladly tell you the real story of what's going on in my life if I feel that your interest is genuine and not superficial.
11. I often feel crippled by anxiety and depression.  If it feels like I post a lot of selfies or pictures of my kids and me, it's because I need to remind myself that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  Antidepressants are a gift from God.  I struggle to get out of bed without them.
12. I like to write my blog as if I'm having a conversation with you, the reader.  I'm a big fan of parentheses.  I'm sure you've noticed.  It's my way to let you into my head and thought process a bit more.
13. I'm passionate about so many things that I have a very hard time focusing on any one thing.  I've spent the last 13 years focusing most of that passion on my family.  I don't regret that, but I do worry about how it might affect the future.  Companies don't typically value over a decade of caring for a family, and I'm not sure I'm the type who could stand to stay home when all of my kids are in school/leave the nest.  I feel like I have a lot to offer, but little marketable experience.  It drives me crazy.
14. This blog is a great way for me to process things.  I get stuck in my own head.  Sometimes, it helps me to write it all out.  Every once in a while I push publish and share it with the world.  More often than not, I write a blog and leave it unpublished.  I have the dozens of unpublished posts that either exist for me to look back on my thought process or are waiting for further inspiration.
15. No one asked for information about me. It probably seems silly to share it, but I think we all want to be seen for who we are (even the ugly stuff) and valued.