Tempered Excitement

I thought I'd post a quick update about the meeting at the adoption agency.  I was so nervous about it before I went.  I knew that I needed to make a good first impression with the case worker, because we were going to be up against competition.  I was also worried that the agency might not be a good fit for us.  I worried about what open adoption might look like to them.  Will and I both felt like the time was right and we both feel passionately about adoption, but was this the right agency for us to go through?  I left the agency feeling so excited about the future and completely comfortable with what I knew of the agency. 

First of all, I loved their case worker!  She was warm, inviting, and passionate about her job.  She was very honest about the fact that most birth mothers choose to parent, and they work hard to provide resources to help them be successful in raising their child.  I think that is so important.  I would hate to work with an organization who tried to pressure women into adoption.  She also talked about open adoption and demystified it a bit for me.  I kind of love the idea of open adoption.  We feel strongly about being open and honest with our children, and I would want to be able to answer any questions that our child would have.  Who knows what open adoption will look like for us, but I am excited about the prospects.

Now to the hard part, the agency only has four spots available for this term, and they're expecting around 20 applications.  It's a total shot in the dark, but we are praying.  Our kids are 100% on board.  Daniel still has an abstract idea of adoption, but he does understand that we would be adopting a baby, and the baby would not come from Mommy's tummy.  He understands that sometimes mommies can't take care of their baby, so they ask a different family to raise them as their own.  We wanted to make sure that the kids were okay with adopting an infant before we dropped off our application. 

Our application has been turned in, and we are in the waiting phase.  We will be interviewed the second week of February and then find out if we made the cut sometime around the middle of the month.  All we can do right now is pray.  If we are selected, we would start our home study and training in March.  The case-worker said that they could be showing new family profiles to birth moms as early as April. 

New Days

I am so grateful that God's mercies are new each morning.  I'm also grateful for growth in all of it's forms (spiritual, relational, etc).  As the first month of the year progresses, I'm feeling more hopeful about the future.  There are so many new things on the horizon. 

My resolution for this year is to work on being more disciplined.  I want to be more disciplined specifically in reading my Bible and in exercise.  So far, so good :)  I bought a One-Year chronological Bible and I haven't missed a day yet.  Reading the Bible every day is something that strengthens my faith and gives me hope.  I've been reading through Job lately and I have to say that it is a huge dose of perspective.  It's also a reminder that no matter what may come in life, God is bigger.  As far as the exercise part of my resolution goes, I'm getting back into running.  I forgot how much I really love it.  Sadly, I also forgot how clumsy I am on the treadmill!  LOL.  I fell off this morning, which marks my second time falling off since I started running (two times in two years). :)  I'm clumsy, but I'm not a quitter.  At least it gave me something to laugh about this morning.  My goal is to run six days a week for at least 2 miles each day, and build length from there.  I'd really like to run a half marathon either this year or early next year.  I'm saying all of this on my blog so I have some sort of accountability.  Now, you all know what I'm working on and I can check in regarding my goals from time to time on the blog.

The most exciting thing in our lives right now is the fact that we're looking into adoption.  My last pregnancy (Daniel) was filled with complications, so we were advised by multiple doctors that we should not try to have any more biological children.   We've felt strongly about adoption since we first started talking about our future children when we were dating, but it's something that we've been talking about more seriously for the last four years.  Tomorrow, I'll go to an informational meeting at an adoption agency, to find out about applying for a domestic infant adoption.  We're still trying to figure out how we will fund the home study and adoption, but we have faith that we will be able to find a way.   Please keep us in your prayers or wish us luck as we start the process.

Things in our family are good.  We've decided to have a weekly family game night, and it has been so much fun.  It's a good chance to unplug and really spend quality time with the kids.  We end up laughing a lot.  We also end up teaching our children how to be gracious both when they win and when they lose.  The kids are still struggling with Papa's loss in their own ways (I suppose we all are), but we have found Ted E. Bear Hollow to be a great resource for all of us.  If your kids have experienced a significant loss, I would highly recommend visiting your local Ted E. Bear Hollow.  They have some great programs. 

 






  

Auld Lang Syne and all that stuff

I don't really know where to start.  The holidays are over and I find myself both happy and sad to see them go.  I'm happy because they were a constant reminder of the gaping hole that Papa's absence has left.  I'm sad because life will slow down for a while and I'll find my mind wandering more often to him and how much I really miss being able to talk to him and tell him that I love him.  I miss his smile, his hugs, stories, and his laugh.  I'm sad because life rolls on and I am constantly wanting to check in with him.  I want to share the little things that Anna or Daniel are doing, and I can't.

One of the hardest things for me when it comes to grieving, is the fact that the world keeps spinning for everyone else while you feel like it has stopped.  After the funeral everyone else goes about their business and you're the one left trying to find your feet.  It's a lonely place to be.  It's hard to know who to go to and how much of your grief others will tolerate.  I'm grateful that I have a counselor to go to.  It helps to have someone who is paid to hear you talk about your grief.  It can be really hard to talk to friends about losing your parent.  I thought about the loneliness of it again after the massacre at Sandy Hook.  The news covered it for the better part of a week.  We (I) watched with rapt attention, crying for these children as if they were our (my) own, until the news stopped covering it.  It was so easy to slip back into our normal routine.  It was easy to push the horror out of our minds and get back to the business of living.  No doubt, the families who lost babies, young adults, and parents are still feeling their loss in a crippling way.  I can relate. How do you pick up the pieces and find your way back to the natural rhythm of life when you feel so fractured?

I always feel the need to end these blog posts with something hopeful and positive.  I am not so consumed by grief that I am unable to be happy.  I know that my open nature can be alarming to some of my friends/family, but it's an important part of who I am.  I have to have some sort of dialogue to work things out.  I'm grateful that my blog can serve as a forum for that. 

I am praying for grace, peace, and love in the new year.