I've never hidden the fact that I struggle with major depression. I have been on anti-depressants for a little over half of my life. I'm currently in the process of weaning off of one less-than-effective med in favor of something that might be more helpful. It stinks. It's no fun. Being around people is exhausting, and here's why: I spend 98% of my time around other people pretending that I am super happy and excited about everything because I'm afraid that if they knew that I actually feel like crap and wish I could be in my bed, they wouldn't want to be around me at all. It's hard to struggle to get out of bed, and it's hard to feel like you're enough for the people in your life.
The idea of being enough is something I've been really struggling with lately. It seems like I'm either too much or too little for people. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium. I say "seem" because I think that a lot of that is in my own head. I have my own preconceived notions about what others expect of me, and they're often out of line with what people actually need/want. That's not to say that I will always be enough for people. There are definitely people in my life who struggle to accept that my best effort does not meet up to their expectations.
You can tell your family member/significant other/best friend that you love them and appreciate their efforts until you're blue in the face, but if your actions say otherwise, all of your words are useless. People struggling with depression are excellent at giving themselves guilt trips. As a result, we are quick to recognize when others are either subtly or outright guilt tripping us. Actions always speak louder than words. If you've never struggled with depression, it would be hard for you to understand just how soul-sucking depression can be. Everyone wants to feel like they are enough. It's hard to feel that way when people you love are constantly reminding you (through actions or words) that your efforts aren't enough. Sometimes depression feels like you're drowning, and you're surrounded by people in life rafts. These people have a spare life preserver and a spot in their raft, but instead of offering these to you, they tell you you're not trying hard enough. They say, "if you'd only kick a little harder, you could probably make it to shore on your own." As you can imagine, that's a rough position to be in.
As a Christian, I have had many people throw scriptures in my face like this might somehow change the makeup of my brain. I've been told that depression means that you're living in the past (spoiler: it absolutely doesn't). Most of us know all of the scriptures about being joyful or trusting in God. Here's the thing, I do trust in God. My hope is in God, but it doesn't take away my depression. Let's talk about David, a man after God's own heart. I think he knew a thing or two about depression. He knew how to weep and feel deeply. David wrote about his struggles in the Psalms. He wept, he mourned, he struggled. Sometimes it feels like modern Christianity wants us to slap on a happy face at all times and pretend that the struggles of this world don't affect us. We're so uncomfortable with people who feel things deeply and who struggle to suppress any difficulties they might be dealing with. I don't pretend to be happy about everything for my own sake, I do it because I know that a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable around me if they knew that I really struggle like this. I put my public persona on in the same way I apply my makeup. I try to play up the better aspects of my personality, the parts of me that I know people enjoy being around. To a certain extent, I have to remind myself that this is the hand I have been dealt.
I feel like this should come with a disclaimer: I do feel loved and accepted by most people in my inner circle. Some of my struggles with this are of my own device. Perhaps in masking my depression in social situations, I've duped people into believing that that's how I really feel most of the time, so the truth is harder to accept for them.
To my friends who also struggle with depression, anxiety, etc: I believe (on a cerebral level...I'm still working on the heart aspect) that we are enough. No matter how we're made to feel, no matter what happens. We are enough. God made me, and God made you. I believe that God doesn't make mistakes. I've come to accept that depression is likely my 'thorn in the flesh.' It's ok. Everyone has struggles. If I catch you out in the water some time during a life boat phase in my life, I promise to try to toss out the preserver. I hope you'll do the same for me. I'm not okay right now, but that's alright.
The idea of being enough is something I've been really struggling with lately. It seems like I'm either too much or too little for people. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium. I say "seem" because I think that a lot of that is in my own head. I have my own preconceived notions about what others expect of me, and they're often out of line with what people actually need/want. That's not to say that I will always be enough for people. There are definitely people in my life who struggle to accept that my best effort does not meet up to their expectations.
You can tell your family member/significant other/best friend that you love them and appreciate their efforts until you're blue in the face, but if your actions say otherwise, all of your words are useless. People struggling with depression are excellent at giving themselves guilt trips. As a result, we are quick to recognize when others are either subtly or outright guilt tripping us. Actions always speak louder than words. If you've never struggled with depression, it would be hard for you to understand just how soul-sucking depression can be. Everyone wants to feel like they are enough. It's hard to feel that way when people you love are constantly reminding you (through actions or words) that your efforts aren't enough. Sometimes depression feels like you're drowning, and you're surrounded by people in life rafts. These people have a spare life preserver and a spot in their raft, but instead of offering these to you, they tell you you're not trying hard enough. They say, "if you'd only kick a little harder, you could probably make it to shore on your own." As you can imagine, that's a rough position to be in.
As a Christian, I have had many people throw scriptures in my face like this might somehow change the makeup of my brain. I've been told that depression means that you're living in the past (spoiler: it absolutely doesn't). Most of us know all of the scriptures about being joyful or trusting in God. Here's the thing, I do trust in God. My hope is in God, but it doesn't take away my depression. Let's talk about David, a man after God's own heart. I think he knew a thing or two about depression. He knew how to weep and feel deeply. David wrote about his struggles in the Psalms. He wept, he mourned, he struggled. Sometimes it feels like modern Christianity wants us to slap on a happy face at all times and pretend that the struggles of this world don't affect us. We're so uncomfortable with people who feel things deeply and who struggle to suppress any difficulties they might be dealing with. I don't pretend to be happy about everything for my own sake, I do it because I know that a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable around me if they knew that I really struggle like this. I put my public persona on in the same way I apply my makeup. I try to play up the better aspects of my personality, the parts of me that I know people enjoy being around. To a certain extent, I have to remind myself that this is the hand I have been dealt.
I feel like this should come with a disclaimer: I do feel loved and accepted by most people in my inner circle. Some of my struggles with this are of my own device. Perhaps in masking my depression in social situations, I've duped people into believing that that's how I really feel most of the time, so the truth is harder to accept for them.
To my friends who also struggle with depression, anxiety, etc: I believe (on a cerebral level...I'm still working on the heart aspect) that we are enough. No matter how we're made to feel, no matter what happens. We are enough. God made me, and God made you. I believe that God doesn't make mistakes. I've come to accept that depression is likely my 'thorn in the flesh.' It's ok. Everyone has struggles. If I catch you out in the water some time during a life boat phase in my life, I promise to try to toss out the preserver. I hope you'll do the same for me. I'm not okay right now, but that's alright.
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