Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Weary Soul

I'm struggling.  It's a constant fight to calm my heart and mind and just-- be.  I worry about a lot of things these days.  Most of all, I worry about my Papa.  I worry about the immense pain he's in and the fact that medication can't even touch it.  I worry about the fact that everyone else in my family is ten times better at hiding their struggle than I am and that it could make life harder for Papa to have me around.  I am the emotional weak link.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a hard time hiding what I'm feeling.  I also worry about Will's grandma, Will, and his family.  I'm trying to give it all up to God and try to find peace, but I am human.  I'm weak.  My heart and soul are weary from all of the news, but I am trying so hard to be strong.

I don't know that I should post much about what Papa's diagnosis is until they lay it all out some time this week.  It's all very overwhelming and it seems that they only give out little pieces of information at each appointment.  I keep reminding myself that God is SO much bigger than a diagnosis or prognosis.  All of the facts and the figures are irrelevant to God.  Once again, I am so grateful for the hope I have in Him.  All of this would be so much harder for me if I didn't believe that God has a plan for all of us.  He loves us.  I can't say that I don't question His plans or His will.  I do.  I get angry.  I feel like my family has been through enough hurt and pain.  I know that His plans for us are good and we see only a tiny speck of the picture He has in view.  It just gets hard when you feel like your family, and more specifically your father, is under a barrage of attacks. 

We're flying to Omaha tomorrow.  I am more than ready to be in Omaha.  I need to be with my family right now.  Being thousands of miles away has been so difficult.  I feel like my body is in Germany, but every other part of me is there.  I basically spend the mornings stressing out until someone from my family is up and I can find out how Papa slept and if he's feeling ok.  I also worry about how hard this has been on my family there.  None of us are sleeping. 

It will be comforting for me to know that we don't have to leave Omaha.  We're staying for the foreseeable future.  We'll be renting a home for the first year (we're praying for something near my parents to be available).  We will miss all of our friends in Germany, but we really feel like we need to be in Omaha. 

If you see me around, feel free to say hello.   It's always nice to see a friendly face.  Please don't feel like you have to ask how I'm doing.  Chances are I'll either give a pat answer or I'll fall to pieces on you.  We're all hurting, no matter how "okay" we say we're doing.  Please keep Papa in your prayers.  We all worry about him and we appreciate every single prayer more than words could express.  Knowing that people all over the world are remembering him in their prayers is an amazing thing.  I believe that God hears all of our prayers and His will is going to be done here.  We have so many hurting friends right now.  God, please help us to feel your love through these times of trial. 

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