Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Auld Lang Syne and all that stuff

I don't really know where to start.  The holidays are over and I find myself both happy and sad to see them go.  I'm happy because they were a constant reminder of the gaping hole that Papa's absence has left.  I'm sad because life will slow down for a while and I'll find my mind wandering more often to him and how much I really miss being able to talk to him and tell him that I love him.  I miss his smile, his hugs, stories, and his laugh.  I'm sad because life rolls on and I am constantly wanting to check in with him.  I want to share the little things that Anna or Daniel are doing, and I can't.

One of the hardest things for me when it comes to grieving, is the fact that the world keeps spinning for everyone else while you feel like it has stopped.  After the funeral everyone else goes about their business and you're the one left trying to find your feet.  It's a lonely place to be.  It's hard to know who to go to and how much of your grief others will tolerate.  I'm grateful that I have a counselor to go to.  It helps to have someone who is paid to hear you talk about your grief.  It can be really hard to talk to friends about losing your parent.  I thought about the loneliness of it again after the massacre at Sandy Hook.  The news covered it for the better part of a week.  We (I) watched with rapt attention, crying for these children as if they were our (my) own, until the news stopped covering it.  It was so easy to slip back into our normal routine.  It was easy to push the horror out of our minds and get back to the business of living.  No doubt, the families who lost babies, young adults, and parents are still feeling their loss in a crippling way.  I can relate. How do you pick up the pieces and find your way back to the natural rhythm of life when you feel so fractured?

I always feel the need to end these blog posts with something hopeful and positive.  I am not so consumed by grief that I am unable to be happy.  I know that my open nature can be alarming to some of my friends/family, but it's an important part of who I am.  I have to have some sort of dialogue to work things out.  I'm grateful that my blog can serve as a forum for that. 

I am praying for grace, peace, and love in the new year. 

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you even though i never met you. I just knew your dad. Csnt even say i know what it feels like as my parents are still here but i do feel for you. You have a beautiful family