Apologies

This is so true. There is something so healing in receiving an apology and in giving a heartfelt apology. Our children need to know that we are human and we make mistakes. 

A very profound moment in my life happened when I walked into my junior honors English classroom to find a small envelope on my desk. Inside the envelope was a note of apology from my favorite high school teacher. He was concerned that he had said something that hurt me the previous day. He told me that my personality and smile were one of the bright spots in his day, and he hated to think that he had dimmed them, even momentarily. *This is a paraphrase because the note is (sadly) in a box right now. Also, I wouldn’t want to write out his exact words without his permission. 

I hadn’t been deeply hurt by the perceived offense the day before. I can’t even remember what it was. Even so, this note was/is so special to me. I still have it. I still cherish it. The humility of an adult touched my heart.

"Counting Every Blessing"

In case anyone thinks that I have a ridiculous and perhaps supernatural gift of optimism, I'll share some of the other titles for this blog post I workshopped in my head:

I'm not ok, but it's alright
The cup isn't half full/empty, someone's knocked it over and stomped on it
Hanging by a thread
Deployments stink
I might be losing my mind

Full disclosure: I've been working on this blog post for weeks.  There are some days when I feel like I'm totally crushing this deployment thing and other days I feel like I'm a failure in even the simplest areas of life.  The other day (while S was SOOOOO sick) E woke up from nap crying for his Daddy.  It was such an awful day that I almost felt like crying for Will with him instead of comforting him.  I'm so glad those days don't last forever!  The next day was better, and it was filled with so many blessings.

I opted to forgo the more negative and titles for something more hopeful because no matter how awful I feel, I do have hope, and I know that I have considerable blessings.  The problem is that I am given to melancholy.  When I should be focusing on being the best possible version of myself during a time of trial, I spend a lot of my time comparing myself to other military spouses who seem to be a million times better at deployments than I am.  These are the lies I tell myself, and the lies I let myself believe.  They don't serve me well.

I've recently connected with another military spouse whose husband is deployed.  Community (even two people) can offer understanding, empathy, and support in such a special way.  I try to be open about my struggles.  Being open and honest has rarely hurt me. Instead, being open has brought me comfort and the reassurance that I'm not alone in my struggles.  Bottling things up and pretending that I'm fine, when I'm anything but, has definitely done far more damage.  

My husband is one of the smartest people I've ever met.  Will is capable and though he feels things deeply (like anyone), he is not one to wallow.  He helps me to put one foot in front of the other and he    shares my burden when simple things feel like "impossible tasks."  I talked about that a bit in my last "About Me" post.  Needless to say, life is infinitely better when I am with him, but sometimes I rely too heavily on him.  I love being with him so much.  It's easy to hide behind our home-life and give into my social anxiety.  It cripples me sometimes, and he's my safe place.  He gets me (most of the time).

This Thanksgiving, I've found myself surrounded by an incredible amount of blessings.  I'm finding joy even in the hard parts of this deployment.  I got to see and talk to Will via my phone/the internet, and I was surrounded by a loving and appreciative family.  I'm working hard on counting every blessing even when it feels like life is more of a struggle.  Once upon a time, people weren't able to "see" their deployed spouses, or talk to them on the phone almost daily.  Our ability to connect so frequently is pretty amazing.

About me

1. I’ll start with my easiest identifiers: I'm a Christian, wife, and mother of 4 children (and 2 children I never got to hold in my arms).
2. I'm deeply flawed.  In spite of this, I am deeply loved by my friends and family.  The by-product of this is being deeply blessed. This is a gift I try to repay by loving in every way I'm capable.
3. I have an amazing husband who sees me for who I am and loves me.  He doesn't always understand me (nor I him), but he is patient and kind while I process things (sometimes slowly) emotionally and mentally.  He is the smartest, funniest, and most capable person I know.  We've been together for almost 15 years, and he's still my favorite person to be around.  I don't think many people would have seen our relationship coming freshman year of college (we were/are SO very different in many ways), but I'm grateful for the way we were brought together.
4. I'm a mother to four of the smartest and quirkiest kids I know.  They are also some of the most stubborn and frustrating kids I've ever met, but I'm so grateful that they're mine.  Full disclosure: sometimes I have to repeat that last bit to myself because motherhood is hard.  It's the most thankless job I've ever had, and I'm in the trenches of it now.  I lose my patience and yell more often than I'm proud to admit, but I try to be quick to apologize.  I try to be a good example to them of love, humility, and grace.  Every once in a while I'm successful and sometime I am not.  Thank God for grace.
5. I pray that my kids love me and look up to me the way I love and look up to my Mom.  I'm sorry for any minor (or major) inconvenience I have ever caused her.  She's a blessing to everyone around her.  She's the best example, currently walking the earth, of who I want to be.
6. I'm (like everyone else) incredibly insecure.  I fight guilt and a deep feeling of being "less than" those around me constantly.  I spend too much time comparing myself to others.  I know that "comparison is the thief of joy" but I think measuring ourselves next to others is a (super lame) part of human nature.
7. I'm an INFP: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive.  I used to say I/E, but I feel confident and comfortable enough in my introvertedness now to drop the /E.  The sum of these traits basically means that I am a deep feeler.  I'm an empath for better or worse.
8. In Enneagram terms, I'm a 2 (Helper) wing 3 (Achiever).  After 2, my closest is 7 (Enthusiast).  There's a lot to unpack here, but I'll save that for another blog.  In case you can't tell, I really love psychology and the study of personalities.
9. I am a lover of all things creative.  This often presents itself in my make-up, clothing, painting, writing, decorating, baking, cooking, and everything else.  One of my favorite things to do is go to a place in Omaha called The Makery and create things.  It's peaceful and I'm not making a mess in my own home.
10. I like to think of myself as an open book.  I don't share everything on here, because so much of my story doesn't belong to just me.  If we're talking in person, I will gladly tell you the real story of what's going on in my life if I feel that your interest is genuine and not superficial.
11. I often feel crippled by anxiety and depression.  If it feels like I post a lot of selfies or pictures of my kids and me, it's because I need to remind myself that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  Antidepressants are a gift from God.  I struggle to get out of bed without them.
12. I like to write my blog as if I'm having a conversation with you, the reader.  I'm a big fan of parentheses.  I'm sure you've noticed.  It's my way to let you into my head and thought process a bit more.
13. I'm passionate about so many things that I have a very hard time focusing on any one thing.  I've spent the last 13 years focusing most of that passion on my family.  I don't regret that, but I do worry about how it might affect the future.  Companies don't typically value over a decade of caring for a family, and I'm not sure I'm the type who could stand to stay home when all of my kids are in school/leave the nest.  I feel like I have a lot to offer, but little marketable experience.  It drives me crazy.
14. This blog is a great way for me to process things.  I get stuck in my own head.  Sometimes, it helps me to write it all out.  Every once in a while I push publish and share it with the world.  More often than not, I write a blog and leave it unpublished.  I have the dozens of unpublished posts that either exist for me to look back on my thought process or are waiting for further inspiration.
15. No one asked for information about me. It probably seems silly to share it, but I think we all want to be seen for who we are (even the ugly stuff) and valued.  

Just like that

Will left at 4:45 in the morning.  I hardly slept last night.  Of course, I was deep asleep when he kissed me goodbye and told me how much he loved me.  I was groggy and didn't say everything I wanted to.  It's silly, because he's still in the US for a bit, and we can talk, text, and Facetime when he's available to do so, but it still felt like such a big moment in my mind.

The kids are ok-ish.  E struggled at nap time.  He's a total daddy's boy, so he's going through some extra separation anxiety.  Daddy was here when he went to bed, and gone when he woke up.  For a three year old, that's tough.  A & D went to church with Grandma and spent time with sweet friends for a bit of the day.  D was extra cuddly tonight.  They've been here before.  It's never been for this long, but they remember long periods of time without Dad.  I'm praying that they're extra gracious with me, but I know that I'll have to exercise a good deal of grace their way.  It's hard age to be apart from your Dad.

S is a spitfire.  She's super cute, and doesn't really know what's going on.  It will be a blessing and a curse for her.  She's very jealous of poor Luna, so I'm having to constantly remind her to be nice and gentle ("Lord, beer me strength!").  She was super lovey with me as I put her to bed tonight.  I'm grateful for her easy smile and silly demeanor.  She helps keep things light around here (when she's not getting in trouble).

This is the worst part of the day.  The kids are in bed, and it's "our" time.  I miss sitting next to him and laughing at ridiculous movies or TV shows.  I still text him funny memes I find throughout the day, so that helps a bit.  I have to get used to the new normal for a while.  I'll get there.  It's just going to take time.  I'm blessed to be married to a man who I miss so very much, so very quickly.  I'm sitting in bed, watching Superstore (for the millionth time - he would be annoyed), and drinking water out of a cup from our Disney trip.  Even when he's not here the things in our room make me think of him, and there's comfort in that.

Thank you to all of the people who texted or sent messages today.  It meant the world to know that people were thinking about us, praying for us, and sending love our way.  Thank you to my Mom for bringing over breakfast, watching the kids so I could get a bit of rest, and spending time with us today.  Thank you to our sweet friends who picked up our bigs and took them to play with their kids for a bit - their time with your kids was the first entry in each of their gratitude journals.  It meant as much to them as it did to me.

I promise, I will try not to let this blog become a sappy, woe-is-me-my-husband-is-gone kind of blog.  It's going to be a big part of our lives for a long while, and I'm trying my best to be positive.  Sometimes things are just tough.  I'm not always great at sugar coating.  A huge thank you to the people who stick with me through this.  <3 nbsp="" p="">

We're getting a dog

I know what you're thinking.  Catherine, you have four kids, and your husband is getting ready to deploy, perhaps this isn't the optimal time to add another piece to the chaotic jigsaw puzzle that is your life.  I hear you (and the other people who have also voiced this concern).  I do understand the concern, but I think that with some of the emotional unrest and familial upheaval we're hurling rapidly towards, a dog will be somewhat centering and therapeutic.  The bigs will have some extra responsibility, we'll have a sweet little dog to cuddle and spoil while Will is gone, and she just might help A to deal with some of her big emotions as she transitions into middle school (How on earth did middle school show up so quickly?).

I know that many of my friends and family are huge advocates of animal rescue.  I am, too!  I wanted nothing more than to offer a loving home to a dog in need.  I am sorry to say that we failed at our attempt to go that route.  It wasn't from lack of effort on my part, so I do hope we'll be forgiven.  I've been searching for a while.  I've scoured dog rescue websites, placed applications (always a few too far down the list to get the dog requested), I've gone through the process of having references called (Shout out to my amazing references!  I love you guys!) as a means of being pre-approved for a dog, and I've made multiple attempts to take in dogs in need of re-homing.  I also found that it can be hard to rescue with small children in the home.  So many of the dogs were listed with the caveat that they should go to either childless homes or homes with older children.  I hope that our next dog will be a rescue or even a foster.  

We have chosen a very loving breeder, who clearly cares for all of her puppies and their parents.  A friend recently picked up a puppy from her farm and had such a lovely experience that we felt comfortable going through her, too.  Today, we met our sweet puppy!  Her name is Luna Lovegood Kousma.  Her name is an obvious homage to Harry Potter for us.  I know that Lovegood sounds a bit sketchy (something that Will pointed out) if you're not a fan of HP.  I promise, there's nothing untoward going on here. :)

She's half Maltese, a quarter Shih-Tzu, and a quarter Poodle.  We won't get to take her home until the end of the month, but we are head-over-heels for her.  She will be small-ish (probably around 10-12 lbs), sheddless-ish, super smart, loving, and she will grow up around our somewhat [read: super] loud home.  We can't wait to bring her home.  I haven't seen the kids so excited in ages.  We're taking small wins at this point, and she feels like a HUGE win from our point of view.  

About Today

Today was one of those days where *almost* everything that could go wrong, went wrong.  My patience, sanity, and everything else were tested.  Spoiler alert: it ended pretty stinking well, so we'll call it a wash/win.

First off, never trust two toddlers giggling in your shoe closet.  If they're anything like my toddlers, they're dumping half a sippy cup of milk all over your shoes and playing in it.  I almost wish someone could have taken a picture of my face the moment I discovered them.  It wouldn't have been pretty.  The look of horror would surely be amusing though.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Don't worry, I cleaned up the milk, children, and shoes.  It felt like a rough start to the morning, but it was early, so I was still optimistic.

About an hour later, my potty training three year old (almost four...*"Lord, beer me strength" with this kid!) decided to pee all over the the dining room floor and on top of the blankets and pillows he had brought in there.  You've never met a kid who was more aware of his need to urinate at nap time/bedtime.  He's a super smart kid.  Sometimes it feels like he anger pees because I've annoyed him in some way.  I'm sure that's not the case, but it definitely felt true at that moment.  Once again, the child, floor, and blankets/pillows were washed.

In case you're keeping track, that is
Day: 2
Catherine: 0

About an hour after the second issue (it just seemed to work that way today), my three year old announced that he needed to go potty.  Obviously, I told him that he should go.  I don't like to hover, so I didn't hang out in the bathroom with him.  Bad call.  He decided that the day hadn't been action packed enough.  He unrolled a mega roll of toilet paper, shoved it into the toilet, and repeatedly flushed.  He then announced that the toilet was broken, because it wouldn't accept the full roll of toilet paper.  At this point, I am beside myself.  I don't think it will shock anyone to find out that I'm a girly girl.  I don't enjoy cleaning toilets, much less being elbow deep in one because my toddler has decided to test its capacity for toilet paper.  My big kids were at the park, so I was trying to keep the toddlers out of the totally gross bathroom while also trying to take care of the problem.

Day: 3
Catherine: perhaps negative something at this point?

A friend texted with happy news only to be met with my Debbie Downer day rundown.  I thank God for her, she then called to see if she could take my kids to lunch.  If Will hadn't been on his way home with lunch, I would have jumped at the opportunity.  I don't always accept help, but I was a complete mess at that point.

Day: 3
Catherine: at least a 1, maybe even a 1.5

I went outside to mow the lawn when Will got home from work.  I'm actually super allergic to grass, but I needed to get outside and I wasn't going to pass up kid-free time with noise canceling headphones and good music.

I think the score stays about the same here.  Again, I'm not exactly a yard work kind of girl.

Tonight, we went to the pool with friends from church.  I watched my second born jump off the diving board and go down the slide somewhat fearlessly (++), I watched my oldest (who struggles socially) play nicely with other kids who are a year or two older than her (++), I watched Will play with the littles (++), I saw and talked to friends who make my heart happy and who I think also enjoyed my company (+++).

Day: 3
Catherine: 10.5

Now, my babies (all happy and worn out from fun with friends) are all tucked in their beds, and I'm enjoying Netflix and time with Will (++++++).  I'm so grateful that he was still in town today when I needed him.  It won't be the case for long, so I'm going to cherish this time together.

If you made it through the novel that is this post (THANK YOU!), I wrote all of this because sometimes it's good to remind myself, and maybe you, that there are so many things to be grateful for even on the crappy days.  I was at my wit's end the first half of the day.  I haven't been sleeping well, and I think my kids can sense that things are hard right now.  I made it through the day, and we even made some great memories.

Final count
Day: 3
Catherine: 17 --> I decided to round up

*"Lord, beer me strength" is a quote from The Office (U.S.).  I use it often.  Don't worry, no alcohol was consumed here this morning.  ;) 

The Worst Military Spouse

My husband is deploying soon.  The orders were sudden and very unexpected.  I can't really say much about it other than that.  This is a totally normal situation for most military spouses, and I really do get that.  I feel like a petulant child for complaining at all, but here we are.  He's deployed before, but it was for a very short time period, and he volunteered for that deployment.  We had so much time to plan for it, and we only had two children at the time.  

I'm dealing with it in a variety of ways: stress cleaning, stress cooking/baking, pretending to keep it together (the degree to which I am successful from moment to moment obviously varies quite a bit), and spending a lot of time awake at night watching shows and movies I've seen a million times.  I'm praying for sanity, patience, and acceptance, but I am struggling.  

He's my best friend, and my partner in crime.  He sees me when I'm at my wit's end and utterly unlovable, and still chooses to love me.  If we were given the option, I would gladly pack up the kids and go with him (even though this place wouldn't be in the top 100 places I'd choose to live willingly) just so we didn't have to be apart.  The idea of not seeing him for over a year is unbearable.  Add to that the four little broken hearts I'll be tending to at home, and you can imagine the struggle.  Every time we do something as a family, I'm reminded that the next time we do that thing, he won't be there.  

I am not writing this for pity.  I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or our family. If anything, it's a request for grace or an attempt to be heard.  I'm sure there are a ton of military spouses like me who struggle to keep it together.  I will be trying my best, but I will undoubtedly struggle to make the mark regularly.  I might not be the best friend in the world while he's gone.  I will definitely struggle to be the mother I want to be to my children while he's gone.  I will be walking a fine line emotionally, so please don't feel like you need to mention his absence or tell me how strong I must be.  Honestly, either of those things might open the floodgates, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to close them once they've opened.

I know that I and WE will come out stronger at the end of all this.  I understand that people do this all the time.  This situation is not unique to us.  We will survive.  I just kind of hate everything right now.