The Worst Military Spouse

My husband is deploying soon.  The orders were sudden and very unexpected.  I can't really say much about it other than that.  This is a totally normal situation for most military spouses, and I really do get that.  I feel like a petulant child for complaining at all, but here we are.  He's deployed before, but it was for a very short time period, and he volunteered for that deployment.  We had so much time to plan for it, and we only had two children at the time.  

I'm dealing with it in a variety of ways: stress cleaning, stress cooking/baking, pretending to keep it together (the degree to which I am successful from moment to moment obviously varies quite a bit), and spending a lot of time awake at night watching shows and movies I've seen a million times.  I'm praying for sanity, patience, and acceptance, but I am struggling.  

He's my best friend, and my partner in crime.  He sees me when I'm at my wit's end and utterly unlovable, and still chooses to love me.  If we were given the option, I would gladly pack up the kids and go with him (even though this place wouldn't be in the top 100 places I'd choose to live willingly) just so we didn't have to be apart.  The idea of not seeing him for over a year is unbearable.  Add to that the four little broken hearts I'll be tending to at home, and you can imagine the struggle.  Every time we do something as a family, I'm reminded that the next time we do that thing, he won't be there.  

I am not writing this for pity.  I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or our family. If anything, it's a request for grace or an attempt to be heard.  I'm sure there are a ton of military spouses like me who struggle to keep it together.  I will be trying my best, but I will undoubtedly struggle to make the mark regularly.  I might not be the best friend in the world while he's gone.  I will definitely struggle to be the mother I want to be to my children while he's gone.  I will be walking a fine line emotionally, so please don't feel like you need to mention his absence or tell me how strong I must be.  Honestly, either of those things might open the floodgates, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to close them once they've opened.

I know that I and WE will come out stronger at the end of all this.  I understand that people do this all the time.  This situation is not unique to us.  We will survive.  I just kind of hate everything right now.